Will you free these hands of mine
Before these bones return to dust
And still the hands of time
To whisper secret words of love
Our beginning and our end
Amen.
Jae Jin - Amen
"Come, let's see the stars."
"No."
"But you love seeing them with me."
"Quite frankly, I'm running from you. I'm angry with you. I don't want to turn to you."
"Come. It will be nice. I'll show you."
My feet, turning beneath me, leading me away from where I had intended to go, and redirecting me to find a quiet and dark place outside to see the stars and bask in the wonder of their creator, I'm wondering how my feet are moving, following the beckoning in my heart despite the raging chaos dictating that I go back to my room and promptly fall asleep to forget this miserable day even happened.
Yet, still we walk.
"I'm actually really quite mad at you."
"I know. But I will follow you, even as you walk out on me."
"Could I be loved that much?"
We continue through parking lots with a lot of light pollution. While I'm deeply annoyed at the longer walk it takes in order to find a darker place to see the stars, I suppose I have to be grateful that the campus I live on has well-lit parking lots.
A bit further ahead, there is a spot in the grass that I can't see very well. Perfect, that indicates a lack of irritating blinding lights like the parking lot. I sit in the field of some grass and stare at the twinkling stars and get a chance to appreciate their beauty before feeling a dampness beneath me. Of course I picked a spot that probably had the sprinklers on it a couple of hours ago. Wanting to lie down but afraid of feeling water seep through my clothes, I try to lie on my backpack. Uncomfortable. I finally concede to fully embracing the dampness of the grass, lying on my back.
"Wow, you can actually see more than three stars?"
"It's nice, now, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Find rest."
I relax and stare into the night sky, realizing that I can actually see small clusters of stars and parts of a couple constellations. Trying to recall the most recent time when we had spent time resting under the stars together, I realize it had been almost half of a year since we had last done this.
"You really cherish me enough to follow me as I walk out on you?"
"This is my relentless pursuit for your heart. I won't stop until you feel my love."
"Then where was it two hours ago when I was having anxiety over my physics test? An hour ago while having the hardest conversation I've had with my mom in a long time? Where have you been at all?"
"And when did your memory start failing you? I've been here, you just hate to acknowledge my plans look different from yours, and then you freak out, trying to put everything back in the order you have decided upon. When will you finally let go?"
Alone, I'm left in disrepair
Take my soul I'll lay it bare
Before You.
But I come alive as I let go.
Our scars collide as only You could show.
Through this violent peace, I'll soar
With You
Have broken my heart to save me.
Jae Jin - "Chemo Song"
