My Forgiveness Only with Sacrifice

Due to my jet-lag of coming home from out of the country two days ago, I have a terrible case of insomnia. But with this lack of ability to sleep, it surely gives me time to think and dwell on myself and on Him. But honestly, I still wish I were asleep.

Anyways.

Hebrews 10:18 - "And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary."

"I forgive you."

Guilt is something that has followed me all of my life. Looking back on days both distant and recent, I can recall times where I felt bad for something that I did, and then turned around and punished myself for it in a wholly separate occasion.

When I was around six, I remember it was my mom's birthday, and I had a play date with the next-door neighbor, whose name was in a song that I thought was fun to sing. She didn't particularly appreciate it, but she also didn't seem to be all that upset. After we went our ways, my mom explained to me that my friend didn't like me singing her name, and gently reminded me that in the future, I should stop. I felt incredibly remorseful, and I think I probably almost cried. Later when I made my mom her birthday card, I put my friend on the card in preference to myself. When my mom read the letter, she was confused and asked why I hadn't drawn myself on the card. I could only reply that I felt bad about singing to my friend, and thus I put her on it instead.

Was this irrational? Completely.
If you didn't follow that because it just didn't make sense, I can't blame you (and I'm sure my lack of sleep didn't help).

To people who have only met me in the past five years (give or take a couple), one probably would have never guessed I was and still am (although to a lesser extent), this sensitive and have such guilt issues. But if I could pin point one major negative characteristic of mine that has shaped me the most, it might be guilt.

I could attribute my guilt to several different causes - being Japanese-American, being an only child, being a perfectionist, etc. But I now can't deny that it truly comes nowhere other than the devil himself. While I am thankful that God has blessed me richly with so many good things like success, culture, and independence, I know that I mortify them into things of evil. And being ashamed for the things that He gives is not what He intended for me to do.

So how do all of these things come together to fit with the verse?
Only by God's grace, do I realize that God's grace covers me, and I don't have to be ashamed for my wrongs. I don't have to self-inflict myself into a state of guilt that requires me to sacrifice the nothingness I have to offer him. While I understand that the context of this passage is about Levitical laws and the animal sacrifices of the Old Testament, I am convinced that God's sovereignty in his word choice envelops this type of sacrifice as well.

Oh, I'm letting go of my yesterday
Grab a hold free in your grace to live
There's no more guilt
I know that I've been forgiven
Hello new mercies
Hello every morning
Every day I live
Is another day I know that I've been forgiven

[KB feat. Suzy Rock "Forgiven"]

Lovely Contrasts

Some unbelievers may say that Christians are stupid because they believe in the flowery, loving aspect of God, and yet fail to acknowledge the powerful, fearful one of the Old Testament. It’s extremely hard to justify the feared, distant God of Moses with the loving, intimate Father recorded in the book of John.

But the two seemingly opposite perspectives just prove the power and the significance of the turning point, the climax, of the Bible – Jesus Christ. The cross is the bridge that covers the distance between us and God, and so it brought us close. The cross is what fulfills the penalty imposed by justice so that we can receive God’s mercy.

The reason why God appeared to be a God of wrath in the Old Testament was because we violated His law. This created a humongous impediment in being with God because God is a God of justice. But that precedent of being a just God allows him to be a merciful God. You can’t have mercy without first knowing justice, and you can’t have close intimacy without first knowing distance. You can’t see the change in something unless you know what it was like before.

Also keep in mind that as soon as we went against God’s law, God himself immediately gave us the promise of a Savior (Genesis 3:15). He gave us a promise of redemption in the Old Testament while still that “mean” God.

And so ultimately, because of the power, justice, mercy, and love of the cross, we see the big picture. We see the layer of God’s character that was beneath the strength. We finally get to see the love of God because without love, there would be no cross. And without the cross, there would be no love.

Matthew 5:17